By Bill Fox/Columnist
I find life in retirement is pretty darn great. So it is with some hesitation I submit these jokes, which might have been true before 90 became the new 70.
Q – What do retirees consider formal attire?
A – Tied shoes.
Q – What do retirees call someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A – Nuts.
Q – Why are retirees so slow at cleaning out their basements, attics or garages?
A – Because the minute they do, one of their adult children will want to store stuff there.
Q – What do you think is the best thing about being 104 a reporter asked a centenarian?
A – No peer pressure.
Q – Isn’t it difficult when you start to lose your memory as you age in retirement?
A – No, it’s great, especially at Easter. You can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.
Q – How is your memory?
A – It’s not as sharp as it used to be, also, it’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Q – How do you prevent sagging in retirement?
A – I just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
Q – Why do retirees smile all the time?
A – Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying.
Q – How do you know you are old enough to retire?
A – Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it.
Q – How do you know when you are over the hill?
A – When your back goes out more than you do.
Q – What scares you?
A – When I start making the same sounds as my coffee maker.
Q – Did your 96-year-old father ever use glasses?
A – No, he preferred to drink right out of the bottle.
Q – Why don’t some retirees mind being called “seniors”?
A – It comes with a 10 per cent discount such as with the following:
Carlton Cards offers a 10 per cent senior’s discount on all purchases every day.
Hallmark offers senior’s discounts one day a week. Discounts vary by location.
Home Depot offers senior’s discounts for eligible customers at the manager’s discretion.
Home Hardware offers a 10 per cent discount to seniors at select locations.
Michael’s offer a 10 per cent senior’s discount on all purchases every day.
Rexall Pharma Plus offers a 20 per cent discount every senior’s day. See their website.
Value Village offers a 30 per cent senior’s discount at select store locations.
Giant Tiger holds monthly senior discount days for customers.
Shoppers Drug Mart offers a 20 per cent discount to all seniors age 65 and older with a personal Shoppers Optimum card on the last Thursday of the month.
There are lots more that would take up another column…
“I have a hip replacement, new knees, and diabetes. I’ve had cataracts, can’t hear anything quieter than a rock band, I take 25 different prescriptions that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. I have poor circulation and can hardly feel my hands and feet any more. I can’t remember if I’m 87 or 78, and I’ve lost all my friends, but thank goodness I still have my driver’s license.”
Remember folks, you don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing. I’m at firstname.lastname@example.org… I think.