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If you relate, you are getting old

Bill FoxBy Bill Fox/Columnist

-You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

-It takes more than 10 minutes to find your keys, purse, wallet, etc.

-When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.

-It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

-When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio of your balcony.

-When happy hour is a nap.

-Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

-The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

-Your children begin to look middle aged.

-You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

-You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

-Your knees buckle, and your belt won’t.

-You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

-Your friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.

-Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

-You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

-You don’t mind hearing about other people’s operations and ailments.

-You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

-People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

-The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

-You wear socks with sandals.

-You always wear socks to bed as your feet are cold.

-Your ears are hairier than your head.

-Your favourite TV channel is the weather channel.

-You have a party and the neighbours didn’t even realize it.

-You took a fall and you look for something else to do while you’re down there.

-The kids are gone, but you still can’t bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons, and when cooking dinner there always seems to be enough to have seconds and thirds…and fourths.

Here are two personal examples:

My son and wife were going up to Rama recently to see Stevie Wonder. While up there a few weeks before the performance, I went up to the Players’ Counter to see if there might still be some hotel rooms available. There was a young receptionist on duty when I said, “Would you have any rooms left for the night of the Michael Jackson concert?”

“Michael Jackson is coming?” she said.

My response, “You work here and you don’t even know he is coming?”

After being told the hotel was fully booked that night, and realizing I meant Stevie Wonder, I sheepishly apologized for insulting the receptionist. I blame old age.

And finally, one evening not long ago, after supper, my wife came close up to me and stared into my eyes…(you might guess what I was thinking), and she said, “Bill, you are getting shorter, you used to be taller!”

So we had to pull out a measuring tape. Sure enough, I used to be just over 6’, and now I was down two inches to 5’10”. I immediately went onto Google and discovered that each decade after 50, people can lose an inch in height.

After 70, it becomes more rapid. I was telling an 80-year-old buddy, Peter, about my plight of losing two inches. With no hesitation, his response was, well at least you still have one inch.

In reality, if you saw the title of this column and still read right down to this line, then you know you are getting old.

I’m available at bdfox@rogers.com if you can remember to email me about…