860-Humour from Mike

By Bill Fox/Columnist

I have a friend who I’m sure will want to remain anonymous after people read through this column. I will call him “Mike,” and will say he lives in uh, Lindsay. He and I exchange a lot of emails and every so often he sends me jokes. I try to edit the best of these. Another friend we’ll call “Harold,” says I need to ease up on the serious columns and submit more humour. I do think, in general, one column a month is supposed to be humourous, but maybe Harold misses those columns or doesn’t get the jokes. Regardless, this column is dedicated to “Mike” and “Harold.”

-I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.  Eventually we drifted apart.

-A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him, that’s the last thing I need.

-The neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.  We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

-100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh how the stables have turned.

-Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high-end steakhouse market?  It was a Big McSteak.

-An 80-year-old man is having a drink at his local bar.  Suddenly a gorgeous woman enters and sits down a few seats away. The woman is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her.  After a short while, the woman notices him staring, and approaches him.  Before the man has time to apologize, she looks him deep in the eyes and says in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like.  Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game.  I want $100, and there’s one other condition.”

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: “Paint my house.” Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains.

-A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
-Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
-Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
-Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought, “Their Cornbread isn’t done in the middle.”
-“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign two miles ago like I did.”
-I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute…
-It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.
-I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
-Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can’t be accurate.”
-I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
-As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of…. it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
-Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
-My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.

I’m at bdfox@rogers.com where I will forward Mike’s email address if these jokes offended you and you can get back at him.