Now more than ever we need humour: Signs of the times

By Bill Fox/Columnist

Indian Hills Community Centre in Colorado is known for the signs that they post outside their facility.  Here are some of my favourites;

The Problem with political jokes is that they sometimes get elected.

I named my iPod Titanic, it’s syncing now.

Life without music would B Flat.

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

Forget world peace-visualize using your turn signal.

Bulldozer: someone who sleeps through political speeches.

To understand politics, you must read between the lies.

If you are what you eat – I’m dead meat.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Turning vegan would be a missed steak.

Our mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas.

Well to be frank, I’d have to change my name.

If you suck at playing the trumpet, that’s probably why.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well, red.

Church signs can also give us a good laugh at times.  Some favourites I found:

Tweet others, as you would like to be tweeted.

Adam and Eve were the first people to not read the apple terms and conditions.

Do not criticize your wife’s judgement – see whom she married.

Noah was a brave man to sail in a wooden boat with two termites.

The fact that there is a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

The best vitamin for believers is B1.

God expects spiritual fruit not religious nuts.

This too shall pass – it might be like a kidney stone, but it’s going to pass.

Six feet apart today is better than six feet under tomorrow.

Jesus cleans the heart, we disinfect the pew.

We are praying and listening to the scientists.

Jesus rode an ass into Jerusalem, please keep yours at home.

Services cancelled. God makes house calls.

Wash hands, don’t touch face. Hygenesis 24:7

What’s not cancelled?  Nature, puzzles, chalk drawings, love, hope.

Wash your hands and say your prayers because Jesus and germs are everywhere.

And just because, here are some other punny lines:

The fattest knight at King Arthur´s round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

Two silk worms had a race; they ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. We are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I´ll go on a head.”

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, `Dam! ´

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.  I thought it was a nice jester.

I was walking through a quarry and said to the foreman, “That’s a big rock!” “Boulder,” he replied. So I puffed out my chest and shouted, “That’s an enormous rock!”

I serve my eggs benedict on a golden platter.  There’s no plates like gold for the hollandaise.

There was the person who sent 10 puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in 10 did!

I’m grinning at bdfox@rogers.com