Being home schooled and smiles for today

By Bill Fox/Columnist

I like to change the tone of the occasional column, so here is my contribution this week. I hope it gives you a smile or two, because smiles are contagious.

My mother taught me:

-TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

-RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

– LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

-FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

-CONTORTIONISM. “Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

-STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

-HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”

-ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get you home.”

-MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

-ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

-HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

-WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

My father taught me:

HUMOUR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

MORE LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”

JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

 

Punny Jokes

–Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

–Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

–Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

–A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

–I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

–Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

–How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

–I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

–My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

–When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

-Two men walked into a bar. You’d think that the second one would have ducked.

–Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

–Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

–I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

–What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self.

–I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raising awareness.

 

A blonde woman decided that she was sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes were perceived as “less than”.  While her husband was off at work, she decided that she was going to paint some rooms in the house. That evening her husband arrived home to freshly painted rooms.  He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she was wearing a ski jacket and a windbreaker at the same time. He asked what she was doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. She had done a wonderful job but then he asked her why she had a ski jacket over her windbreaker. She replied that she read the directions on the paint can and it said, “For best results, put on two coats.”

If you care to add your 2 cents worth I’m at bdfox@rogers.com …and yes I used to be blonde…now I’m a very light shade of blonde so I like to think.