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A little diversion

Bill Fox

Bill Fox

By Bill Fox/Columnist

I read this week that Donald Trump’s niece had never seen him laugh? I think along with hugs, laughing is crucial to survive under these difficult conditions. I’m glad that we can now hug family members again, but still not close friends, so I better concentrate on trying to make you laugh. I have a few good friends, Mike, Nick and Jimmy who often send me humourous emails. The following was sent to me from one of them:

Twelve Commandments For Seniors

#1 – Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 – “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.

#3 – You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 – Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 – The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”

#6 – “On time” is when you get there.

#7 – Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 – It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

#9 – Lately you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 – Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 – Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.

#12 – You still haven’t learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

And one more:

“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.

I have written columns now for 15 years, so I went back to one of my early ones for these tidbits:

– Those are my principals, if you don’t like them…. I have others.” (Groucho Marx)

– Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11:30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. (James T. Adams)

– The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost luggage. (James Marino)

– They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realise that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. (Garrison Keillor)

– If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail. (David Brent)

– When it gets cold, my wife uses her Armstrong Heater…me!  (David Hoover)

– Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.  (Rita Rudner)

– Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.  (Buddha)

– Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. (Buddha)

– The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.
(Mahatma Gandhi)

– Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. (Thomas P. Chase)

– One thing you can give and still keep is your word.  (Harold Mills)

– Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.  (W. C. Fields)

– The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again.  (George Miller)

– Don’t dig your grave with your own knife and fork.  (English Proverb)

– I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.  (Author Unknown)

– The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.  (Guy Lacroix)

Here is hoping you find plenty to laugh about this coming week. If it’s really funny please share it at Bdfox@rogers.com so I can forward it on to Mike, Nick and Jimmy.

 

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