Words can certainly be a funny thing

By Bill Fox/Columnist

Every so often I become a lexophile, or a lover of words. Case in point:

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• When a chemist dies, they barium.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro – what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The cops have nothing to go on.
• Two atoms collide. The first asks, “Are you OK?” “No. I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”
• “Nurse, how’s the little boy who swallowed coins doing?” “No change yet.”
• Police were called to a day care. A three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• Q: When fish are in schools, what’s their favorite subject? A: They sometimes take da bait.
• Q: What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? A: U.C.L.A.
• He had a photographic memory. Too bad it was never developed.
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class. It was a weapon of math disruption.
• A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’