Should my teacher friend retire?

By Bill Fox/Columnist

Occasionally, I join some retired teachers and some approaching retirement to have dinner. One friend is considering taking an early retirement, so I think I should have warned him about what he will miss and how he will change. My friend might miss the strange notes we got from home, when students were away. Here are some examples:

• “My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.”
• “Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.”
• “Dear school: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.”
• “Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”
• “John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.”
• “Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.”
• “Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.”
• “Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.”
• “Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.”
• “Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the poops.”
• “Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.”
• “Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.”
• “Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.”
• “I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don’t know what size she wear.”
• “Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.”
• “Sally won’t be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.”
• “My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.”
• “Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.”
• “Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.”
• “Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.”
• “Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.”

As well, my friend, if he retires, will become more honest. Basically he will not have to be less than completely honest when doing report cards…something that always drove me crazy…not writing exactly what I wanted to say on the report. Some examples:(the true meaning in brackets):

• Liz is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes).
• Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
• Tom exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate him. (The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term).
• Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
• Ivor enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He’s a bully).
• I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat her grade).

If any teachers want to add to my list, I’m at bdeefox@hotmail.com.