How retirees think differently

By Bill Fox/Columnist

In a recent column, I mentioned that a buddy was thinking of retiring. Unfortunately, his mind may never be the same. Here are some examples:

I found this timely because I recently was in a store that sells sunglasses and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, “what brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, I’m interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn’t quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one.

So I’m wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once, I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application forms always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “an ambulance.”

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice that the Roman numeral for 40 is XL?

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Some other revelations found in retirement:

• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever – so far so good.
• It’s a small world, so you have to use your elbows a lot.
• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
• You just can’t go to a public pool and splash around any more. Everyone’s swimming laps now. Some guy jumped in behind me and said, “How long you gonna be using this lane, dude?” I told him, “Until my bladder’s empty.”
• Anybody who can swallow an aspirin at a drinking fountain deserves to get well.
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
• The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
• Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
• You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
• God must love stupid people; He made so many.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• Consciousness – that annoying time between naps.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Being over the hill is much better than being under it!
• Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
• A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 3,000 times the memory.
• I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.