Are these punny?

By Bill Fox/Columnist

Every once in a while I like to right a column to hopefully make you smile.

-The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

-eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

-I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

-I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

-I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both “lefts,” which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

-Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

-The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

-I just found out I’m colour blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

-I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.

-What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

-I’ve just written a song about tortillas – actually, it’s a rap.

-Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

-Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.

-A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

-He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

-A prisoner’s favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

-If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.

-I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

-How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.

-Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.

-Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

-The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents.

-Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended.

-What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybee.

-Don’t go bacon my heart. I couldn’t if I fried.

-Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

-“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank.

-How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

-I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

-Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

-I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

-I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter, “Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite.”

Eye um at bdfox@rogers.com if ewe want to ad to m’eye list.