1-It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
“What are my choices?” the man asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
Now I don’t know if these are common questions but below are some of the best replies I have found.
2-A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at a grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, “Do these chickens get any bigger?”
The assistant replied, “I’m afraid not, they’re dead.”
3-To be insured or not to be?
Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn’t long before the center’s Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100 per cent record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, he stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. “If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6,000.”
Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
4- Are diamonds forever?
It will be my wife’s birthday soon. When I asked her what she wanted, she said something with diamonds would be nice. I’ve bought her a packet of playing cards.
5-What to buy?
A young couple had been arguing about what new vehicle they would buy. He wanted a big truck, but she wanted a sports car. After about an hour the woman had to leave, and said, “Look, all I want is something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than four seconds. My birthday is coming up next week, buy something that will surprise me!” A week later she opened her present, a new set of bathroom scales!
6-Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said, “Not at all honey. I’d love you no matter who left you the money.”
7- Does God always answer your prayers?
A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up Alcohol.” Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The man looked up again and said, “Never mind. I found one!”
8-Why did you get married if you didn’t get along in the first place?
Answer: I didn’t want to fight with a total stranger.
9- Why don’t you go on a diet?
I am already on a horseradish diet. I eat everything but horseradish.
10-Have you ever had plastic surgery?
Only, when my husband cut up my credit cards.
11-What do you do for regular exercise?
I go to a sports bar every night.
12-Overheard at the bar…Why have you had five drinks in the last hour?
You would drink like me if you got what I got.
I got no money!